The holidays should be a magical time for your children. Unfortunately, for divorced co-parents, creating that magic can end up simmering on the back burner when disputes over shared custody and holiday schedules boil over. While it’s not easy, divorced parents can create a stress-free and joyful holiday for the kids, but it will take planning, communication, and a focus on your children’s happiness.
Create a Proactive and Clear Parenting Plan
Successful co-parenting usually relies on a cooperative plan. Without a clear and mutually agreed-upon parenting plan, you set yourself up for misunderstandings and conflict, especially during the holidays. Who loses in this scenario? Your kids!
How can you create a parenting plan that really works? Sit down, put your disagreements aside, and work together in advance to develop a detailed holiday plan that works for everyone.
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Be Specific
List the major holidays and who gets the kids for each. A common approach is to alternate years for the major holidays, but if it’s feasible, you may agree to split holidays so you can both spend a part of the day with your kids. For instance, you might decide to alternate Thanksgiving but split Christmas Day in half. Or one of you agrees to open gifts on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas morning. This way, your children have time to settle into each household without feeling rushed or overwhelmed.
Recognize the importance of keeping time-honored traditions for your kids. While you might love the big holiday dinner and your former spouse treasures decorating the tree, your kids may look forward to nothing more than spending the day with their cousins and grandparents. While fairly sharing your holiday schedule will be important, know what matters most to your children so you can ensure that any schedule allows for their most cherished activities.
Keep Lines of Communication Open
Communication is the backbone of most successful co-parenting relationships, especially during the holidays when schedules can become complicated and emotions run high.
As co-parents, you should start the holiday schedule conversation early with frequent check-ins to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings and ensure you are both on the same page. Working out details well in advance gives you ample time to work through any disagreements or logistical challenges so it doesn’t bleed over into the holiday and affect your kids.
Keep your conversations child-focused and not on old grievances. Instead of rehashing issues, use neutral language that looks for a solution that will work best for your children. This keeps the conversation constructive and helps reduce the risk of escalating tensions that won’t serve anyone.
Once the holidays get closer, confirm details such as pick-up and drop-off times, travel arrangements, and locations for shared holiday events. Agree to check in closer to any dates to minimize stress and ensure nothing has changed. Communicating proactively and respectfully sets a positive tone for the season, making it a time of joy and connection instead of conflict.
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Keep Flexible With Traditions
While it’s natural to feel a sense of loss around time-honored traditions when schedules don’t allow for it, it’s not the date but the experience your children will remember. Your kids will care more about the time they spend with you than specific dates of activities. Nothing prevents you from creating your holiday tradition on another date if your scheduled parenting time doesn’t allow for the date itself.
In fact, creating new holiday traditions will be a way to embrace co-parenting flexibility while still making it a memorable holiday. Unique activities such as going for a winter scavenger hunt the weekend before the holiday or a sleepover-holiday-movie campout in the living room on Black Friday allow something different for you children to look forward to during your time with them while honoring your agreement with your co-parent. Even if you are miles apart, a quick video call can help you feel connected when you are missing them during what would have been the middle of your traditional festivities.
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Setting Boundaries With Extended Family Members
Extended family is usually an integral component of holiday festivities, but setting boundaries with some family members may be necessary to ensure a smooth and enjoyable holiday.
While grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will be used to and want to be involved in celebrations like they were in the past, these expectations can conflict with your needs and schedules as co-parents. To avoid misunderstandings, communicate the holiday schedule with extended family members well in advance so they know what to expect. Furthermore, you should establish boundaries around sensitive subjects, such as making negative comments about the other parent or your co-parenting relationship within earshot of your kids.
Remind family members that their focus should be on creating a positive atmosphere for the good of your children. This not only prioritizes your children’s well-being but also helps to maintain respectful and healthy relationships across the whole family network.
Collaboration Instead of Competition
Unfortunately, holidays can devolve into competition between co-parents over who can give the best gifts and offer the most exciting celebration. Rather than be caught in the middle of a stressful rivalry, your kids will be better supported by co-parents who focus on creating a unified front and joyful holiday experience. When you and your co-parent can work together to coordinate gifts, schedules, and celebrations, it not only reduces tensions but also sends a powerful message: that you are willing to prioritize their needs and happiness above all else.
Collaboration means setting aside competitive feelings to create a cohesive gift-giving plan. It avoids duplication and usually results in more meaningful gifts. In this way, you and your co-parent can work as a team to ensure your children feel loved and secure in both your households. This kind of cooperative approach will allow your kids to feel the happiness of the season instead of any undercurrent of animosity between you as their parents.
Considering Your Childrens’ Best Interests
The holiday season can be especially difficult for children navigating two households, and prioritizing their emotional needs is essential. When planning for the holidays as co-parents, your children’s happiness and well-being should take center stage despite any of your own unresolved conflicts. Including them in the planning processes or asking them what matters most to them can make them feel involved and valued. “What would make this holiday special to you?” can be enlightening for co-parents who may be focused on all the wrong things.
Especially during highly emotional times like the holidays, you and your co-parent should foster a positive atmosphere toward each other so your children can feel free to enjoy their time with each of you without feeling like their loyalties are divided. Ultimately, your children should feel an atmosphere of love, security, and stability in both households, no matter what is happening between you.
Consider the Long Term
These holidays are only one short season of your children’s lives, yet how you handle your co-parenting responsibilities can affect their emotional well-being and extend far beyond this year’s holiday festivities.
As they say, “This, too, shall pass.” This divorce, this co-parenting relationship, may still feel very new and raw. And that’s to be expected. But the long-term co-parenting game is essential to your children’s welfare. When they can see you working together peacefully, it sets a powerful example of respect and cooperation that they can carry into their own future relationships and interactions. When you and your co-parent present a unified approach during the holidays and beyond, your children learn that they can have strong bonds with both of you and are less likely to feel torn between you.
This holiday season can be one of joy, connection, and celebration for your children, even if your co-parenting relationship is still a bit precarious. If you can plan ahead, learn to communicate more effectively, and prioritize your children’s well-being despite your animosities, you can provide your children with the greatest gift of all: memories of happy and peaceful family celebrations.
One of the most difficult aspects of divorce is often co-parenting in a way that best supports your children’s needs. Creating a mutually beneficial parenting agreement can be the first step to ensuring your children remain a priority throughout your co-parenting journey. The experienced family law attorneys at Melone Hatley, P.C. can guide you in creating an agreement that is fair and prioritizes your children’s emotional interests both today and tomorrow. For more information, call our office at (877) 812-4680 or schedule a free consultation through our website contact form.
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